A New Life Challenge

Today is the 2nd day since I started teaching in Henderson Sec, as a permanent relief teacher. After being given the responsibility to teach 12 classes, 4 subjects & 250 students, Ive learned to appreciate my teachers who used to teach me before. Teaching is not as simple as I thought it to be previously. It is not just the role of passing on knowledge of the subject onto the students, but before that takes place, the human relation comes into play. Interpersonal skills & communication skills are so vital in setting the trend & while trying to build rapport with the students, the boundary separating teacher from students must not be crossed.

"Should I be more friendly than firm, or more serious looking than putting on the smiley face?" I thought this is a challenge to me, but found out today that the 3 of us (all new RTs), are grappling with it all the same. As it turned out, I appeared to be lablled as the "friendly" type of teacher, defaulted by my age! Firmness comes with age huh. The older you are, the less friendly you will look. Scientifically, its becoz of the wrinkles on the face that neutralise the smile, making the older teachers appear to be "grunchy". Thats my own view only of course. If Im wrong, it doesnt matter, I teach History & English anyway.

The students look friendly generally & I heard from a few that "kiasuism" isnt in the school culture. From the way I interpret it, perhaps the students there are less competitive. So this brought me to another subjective question. "Is a school with competitive students good or one with competitive-less students better?" Well, the answer will only come from myself after self exploration in these few months of teaching.

I do not wish to impose decisions on my students becoz I believe that everyone should have the freedom to make their own decisions, especially so for teenagers as they need to start differentiating the cause of actions with consequences that follow each action & decision. I hope I know how to draw the line in delegating decision making, so that the power will still remain in me. While I allow students to feel less oppressed, they can still regard me as a teacher and give me the due respect.

Working hard for each tomorrow.

My greatest fear in life

Since young, I always had this fear: my father. He is such a chauvinist, a hot-tempered,unreasonable & aggressive man, plus his super superstitious mindset and his love for gambling. Everyone in the family fears him. He built the fear in us by his deafening shouts and brute force. A mere stare from him will bring shivers down our spine. I was even threathened by him with the chopper twice when I wasnt even 8 yrs old. Whenever he lost in mahjong or betting, he would take on us for no reason, with the belt & sometimes the hanger. I remembered the times when I would hide under the table while witnessing my younger sis getting the most of his terror. That was our common childhood. And when I thought that these shadows of our past have left us since he had simmered down alot over the years & that we had all grown up, the fear of him came back haunting again.

He had always been disapproving of my 4 sisters converting to Christianity, becoz he associates the religion to being the "brainwashing with Western ideas". I believe it is also his fear of the clash between the religion & his Confucian mentality. I have yet let my parents know, becoz I knew what would happen. Its not so simple as just being unhappy or reprimand: It is much much worse than that. I really dont wish the family to break up. I had many re-enactment of the nightmare that I was being discovered by him, & most of the time, I broke into tears in the dream. This had been the struggle in my life for many years, & the most helpless thing is that people around me treated my matter lightly when they didnt even know my position. Advice is the last thing I would want to hear. Are others in a better position to know of the difficulties and outcomes? Do you think I could not have better solution after thinking on this sticky problem for more than 20 years? Its not something others can help. Such is the reality of domestic affairs.

Just now he erupted. He was flabbergasted when he was being ticked off by my eldest sis, after admitting that he had opened her bank acc statement. "To hell with your privacy! I brought you up till this day, cant I even know how much your savings is? We are not Westerners and to hell with your Christianity!" This time he really meant it. It had been quite a while since I last saw him erupt like this. It brought back the memory of his terror to me, as I witnessed the exchange a moment ago & being unable to intervene. Things would have gone worse should I intervene. He mentioned again about selling the house & telling us to move out instead since we wanted privacy. He is as stubborn as a bull that I know any reasoning with him will be futile. His belief and understanding of the world is so much different from ours, but we can choose our friends and not our family. It really unsettles me whenever I ponder on the possibility that I had to stay with him in the future, even after setting up my own family. I really wish to get out of his clutches but Im the only son and being the only son, who can share my burden? I wish to cry out but who would listen? No matter how much I wish to give to others' lives, back home its reality. I thought I could forget about the issue in the deepest part of my life, but no matter how far I try to run, it always catches up with me. Im tired.

I feel that he is very insecure, often being ultra sensitive and overly assuming of things. As I was writing this blog, he was rattling again of the incident. He blames everyone for all the things that they do or not do, but never ever stops to look at himself. He truly is a very difficult man. Oh God, I really yearn to know why you have placed two difficult persons (him & eldest sis) as my family, and why is it that most of the agony in my life was also caused by them? I really wish to cry out loud to you, but Im too weak to cry over these problems again. I had been doing so for more than half of my life, how long more do I have to tolerate? Its so long-suffering.

I pray that I will be spared of the torment and pls, move their hearts so that the family do not suffer any longer.

He is the giant in my life.

Am I an easy target?

I wonder if my forehead is written "Come for me, Im a good target". Somehow Im so sick of shunning & excusing myself, that I wonder if i would start to tick them off for approaching me the next time.

My hit target is 9/10. Guess what? Its the number of times I would be approached by insurance agents whenever I walk past a booth. The one missed was when I really purposely shun them from afar. Everywhere is the same: Jurong East, Orchard Road, Woodlands, Yishun etc. Even if I was with a group of friends, I will be the only one to "kena". I wonder if its a blessing or a curse. Imagine walking along Jurong East Interchange & when I saw a group of young adults holding files in their hands, I knew they were out to do survey. Somehow I will develop a feeling that they will approach me, but no matter how "rushed" I appear to be, they will still stop me. Last week I was stopped twice; once in Jurong & the other time in Orchard. The lady @ Jurong sure shocked me. I was walking towards the MRT when she suddenly appeared beside me and commented:"Eh its so strange that you are so free? No need to go NS today meh?" I was so dumbfounded that I paused for 5 sec before asking her "Do I know you?" It's so ridiculous that she assumed that I was an NSF and tried to draw my attention with such a tactless & lame tagline. So what if Im an NSF? Does that make me an even easier target?

"Will you pls stop pestering me? I dun need an insurance policy right now! I even have problem settling my 3 meals!" I really wish I could put this message on my forehead instead, save myself from rejecting them upteem times. Its not that I bear a grudge against insurance people; they are great & polite people. That determination & persistence they possess sure impress me, & I would really like to learn their sheer mental strength that keep them in this line, being surveyed to be the number 2 hated profession by the public.

My question about selling insurance is that: they claim to be helping people by getting them to insure their lives & properties, but is it that necessary to approach people so forthrightly? Doesn't helping goes two ways, that if I really need an insurance, of course I will approach the agent and not the other way round. People on the streets who didnt approach an agent only has 2 reasons: They already have a policy or they are not interested in getting one! One thing for sure is also that since an insurance policy is so important, I would obviously get it from someone close or someone I trust. My personal point of view is that persistent asking & "surveying" will only put people off, Im definitely one of them. But the struggle I face now is that Im taught repeatedly to "Love one another", "Forgive & forget", "Do not judge others"........ So how should I feel? To hate them or welcome them to approach me, or reject them with a smile? "Heee, I dun like the way you approach me but I still love you. Heeee."

No offense to people I know of in the insurance line. Insurance is great, but not for me right now. Thanks but no thanks.

"Inspire me to be the testimonial to others, that I may be that beacon in the darkness"

HK Group

"They are so different" Tats e sentence tat struck my mind time & again while taking the HK kids as a facilitator. Kids around the world I believe, have one thing in common. They would prefer a ~~"Leng Loy" than an "Au Pa"~~ They put on such a strong sentiment of unwelcoming when they 1st saw me. Well, I realised that so I decided to do something ya. Before I took them for the 2nd day, I underwent a Cantonese crash course session with Mr Law (my father). And hey, the 1st sentence I said to them the next day was "Dai Ka Teng Orh Gong Wah". Heh heh, speaking their language sure helped mi 2 draw closer to them yea. From Day 2 onwards, I was no longer the unwelcomed guest in their group.

They were indeed a challenge & a headache. I realie give all my respect due to e 3 HK counsellors. Admired their perserverance, patience and constant love & care showed. All these despite it being their part time job with a meagre pay, & having to handle a group of mischievious & take-it-for-granted kids. Learned tat they had along e long gruelling 2 weeks, had thoughts of giving up on them. But am So glad tat they didnt, otherwise they wouldnt have taken back so much fond memories & oso learned more about themselves.....

I had less issues with e kids, becoz i noe tat if I were to view them as a collective group, then they r a pain in e S. Thus i see them as different individuals requiring different communicating style & approach. I think I succeeded to a certain extend. One of e counsellors had even wanted to complain about me becoz I had played too aggressively with some of e kids & she thought I will injure them. In e end, I convinced her tat I do have my way of handling e kids ya. Watz my 9 mths experience @ Y Hub for man? Ha. Still, I learned new things from e interaction with these HK kids.

I will miss Meiling, Sandy, Felix, Jason, Christy & e most, Fefe.

Came across this interesting verse
"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."
~Edmund Everett Hale, writer

Y Hub may be closed but Y Hub spirit lives

Six months has passed since Y Hub was closed. Memories collected from that place is still fresh and it felt like it was just yesterday. I expected it to wind up, but not expecting it to be that soon. 6 months down the road, most of the regular Y Hub kids have gone their separate ways: some found a new hang out place to play computer games; some found new cliques to hang out with, while some remain close to me.

Yesterday was the 1st time in my life that I ever invite a group of friends to my house. They came, though they were not quite my friends, dun know how to define our relationship also. They call mi kor kor even though we arent related by blood. I treat them as good as I treat my younger sis, sometimes if not better. Hmm, not so sure why I treat them so well when they actually used to be my "clients" @ Y Hub. Affinity I guess. But I love this affinity.

Peixian is e most mature among them, and also the most obedient. See her as e elder sis in the group. Racheal is grouchy and moody @ times, but she's experiencing puberty, so its natural. Belinder is the happy-go-lucky, anything-also-ok type of gal. Peiru is the younger sis of Peixian, but they are incomparable, not fair to judge also. My most concerned one is Jingxuan though.

He juz lost my digi cam yesterday, becoz he was too engrossed in playing games. Of course I was pissed off with him, but having considered his self-esteem and confidence level, I forgave him & told him to learn from his mistake instead. For a boy his age, he is just too lonely and unguided. Wish I could have more time for him, but my time isnt just for one person, but a multitude of people. Tats the purpose why I had organised 5 outings with them, & spent a total of more than $600 to date. But I told myself "its all worth it". Our time and happiness together "can be bought by $" in this case. $ can be earned back anyway. But however much effort will find winning back a drifted relationship tough.

I just wanna see them grow, & forever I will be their kor kor, as long as time & $ permits. Cant wait to have another outing with them.

Busy June. Almost gave up fighting but thank God I didnt

Finalie went thru the gruelling schedule of June, perhaps I emerged stronger after the determination I put in. This was the period I really felt powerless, becoz I was led by circumstances instead of me controlling them. The feeling wasnt great during the process, but I learnt a great deal from it and came thru unscathed. You never know your real ability and threshold until you are tested by it. I was tested and hopefully I passed.

Dating back to e beginning of June, I already anticipated a hectic schedule ahead and imminent but I failed in making preparations for it. Organised a joyous BBQ for the Y Hub kids and got Huiyin, Fred, Clare & Jonathon to "grace" the event. So great to have received my bdae gift from HY & Fred tat day. But tat was e end of my "carefree" lifestyle. Had 2 assignments to complete in 2 weeks then got to prepare for an exam also. However, it was precisely because so much things were stuffed in my mind that I lost my focus, & couldnt complete anything in the end. Past the dateline of the 1st assignment, got Gan Jiong, tried rushing out but before I could finish it, my 2 week reservist came knocking at my door.

I really wondered if the course was necessary for me,a NSmen, or not. It was designed for regulars, executed by regulars. The reason the Commander gave for NSmen's participation in the course was for our input to the regulars of our working experiences in the corporate world. That objective surely materialised. But input from the course into our life? Not so clearly defined. Still felt that the 2 weeks was not well spent, though I did take home something from the learning experience.

During reservist, I was so worried about the assignment and exam that I couldnt care much about the course I was attending. What an irony that I have to learn by heart the "Battle Procedure", "Convoy Movement & Ambush" when my real role is a student who has yet to finish his assignment due to reservist. I didnt noe to laugh or gloat over it. But I was glad that I held on, becoz I managed to unexpectedly got a one-week extention to my assignment and also postponed my exam date. Blessing in disguise. Best was my classmates knew my situation and they offered help & encouragements in one way or another. Not only did I finish my assignment in the shortest time ever, I was oso quite well prepared for exam, all thanx to them.

Well to summarise all the things that had happened in June.

BBQ YHubkids Huiyin Fred Clare Jon MINDS'camp HwaChongHigh SleeplessNite Exhausted Reservist NSmen FunPeople WorldCupPredictions Investment Korea2Togo1 KTVwithYHUbKids Interesting Assignmentdue Stressed Pressed Braindead Noleisuretime Frustrated wakeup5.30am travelhere&there end-of-reservist relievedfinally WildWildWet Fondmemories SpottedExam Freedomnow Miss"L" Confusion Dun-noe-wat-she-thinking STARSUnited challengesahead greatTeamWork Honoured

Disappointed with the school. Putting my student's future in jeopardy

I was both stunned and concerned when my student revealed her mid year exam results to me.

Maths -- 20/100 Highest in class -- 40/100
English -- 16.5/100 Highest in class -- 34/100

The first reaction I had was to stare at the results gaping in disbelief. An EM3 student wouldnt even be getting such a result, not to even mention for an EM2 student! Then wouldnt I have done nothing in helping her to improve after 3 months of guidance and advice? Am I such a lousy tutor? No doubt disappointment with myself set in and I doubted my teaching directive time and again after knowing her results. But over the past 3 months, I truly felt that I had learnt and adopted a few new teaching techniques in which school teachers have even heaped praises on. So what truly went wrong?

I went through her papers and realised that the difficulty level of the papers is on tantamount to those of top schools: Nan Hua, ACS Primary, Nanyang. The first thing that struck my mind was that the school is trying to mimic the standards of the top schools without considering the actual standard of the students. I came across an even more absurd incident in the Eng papers. The section which usually uses a short passage as an excerpt for comprehension cloze turned out to be a poem by William Wordsworth. I could only comprehend the poem after 4 or 5 times of thorough reading and evaluating. Words like "daffodil", "glee", "gay", "vales" and "solitude" are surely not words of their level. Given their present level of cognitive ability, inferencing from a poem of such high standard is beyond them surely. No wonder no one in her class passed Eng or Maths.

Another alarming issue I found out was that her class teacher, who is in charge of the class's Eng, Maths & Science, have been frequently absent from school either due to leave or she being deployed out of school for other matters. Few or no replacement teachers were hired in place of her absence, & on those days not only did the class missed out on learning, they also missed out on practising. I really could not take it lying because Im a person who expects others to demand something from me which in the first place I had to be provided with the resources to perform. In her case, neither was she provided with the resources nor was she given the right platform to demontrate her true potential, not hidden potential by doing difficult papers.

I had written an email to the school's principal touching on these issues I have lamented so far in this blog. Im really concerned whether what the school had been doing so far is beneficial to the students afterall. Somehow on the other hand, I feel powerless to effect any change directly in the school, except to improve and gear up my guidance for my student personally.

"Reap what you sow"