My greatest fear in life

Since young, I always had this fear: my father. He is such a chauvinist, a hot-tempered,unreasonable & aggressive man, plus his super superstitious mindset and his love for gambling. Everyone in the family fears him. He built the fear in us by his deafening shouts and brute force. A mere stare from him will bring shivers down our spine. I was even threathened by him with the chopper twice when I wasnt even 8 yrs old. Whenever he lost in mahjong or betting, he would take on us for no reason, with the belt & sometimes the hanger. I remembered the times when I would hide under the table while witnessing my younger sis getting the most of his terror. That was our common childhood. And when I thought that these shadows of our past have left us since he had simmered down alot over the years & that we had all grown up, the fear of him came back haunting again.

He had always been disapproving of my 4 sisters converting to Christianity, becoz he associates the religion to being the "brainwashing with Western ideas". I believe it is also his fear of the clash between the religion & his Confucian mentality. I have yet let my parents know, becoz I knew what would happen. Its not so simple as just being unhappy or reprimand: It is much much worse than that. I really dont wish the family to break up. I had many re-enactment of the nightmare that I was being discovered by him, & most of the time, I broke into tears in the dream. This had been the struggle in my life for many years, & the most helpless thing is that people around me treated my matter lightly when they didnt even know my position. Advice is the last thing I would want to hear. Are others in a better position to know of the difficulties and outcomes? Do you think I could not have better solution after thinking on this sticky problem for more than 20 years? Its not something others can help. Such is the reality of domestic affairs.

Just now he erupted. He was flabbergasted when he was being ticked off by my eldest sis, after admitting that he had opened her bank acc statement. "To hell with your privacy! I brought you up till this day, cant I even know how much your savings is? We are not Westerners and to hell with your Christianity!" This time he really meant it. It had been quite a while since I last saw him erupt like this. It brought back the memory of his terror to me, as I witnessed the exchange a moment ago & being unable to intervene. Things would have gone worse should I intervene. He mentioned again about selling the house & telling us to move out instead since we wanted privacy. He is as stubborn as a bull that I know any reasoning with him will be futile. His belief and understanding of the world is so much different from ours, but we can choose our friends and not our family. It really unsettles me whenever I ponder on the possibility that I had to stay with him in the future, even after setting up my own family. I really wish to get out of his clutches but Im the only son and being the only son, who can share my burden? I wish to cry out but who would listen? No matter how much I wish to give to others' lives, back home its reality. I thought I could forget about the issue in the deepest part of my life, but no matter how far I try to run, it always catches up with me. Im tired.

I feel that he is very insecure, often being ultra sensitive and overly assuming of things. As I was writing this blog, he was rattling again of the incident. He blames everyone for all the things that they do or not do, but never ever stops to look at himself. He truly is a very difficult man. Oh God, I really yearn to know why you have placed two difficult persons (him & eldest sis) as my family, and why is it that most of the agony in my life was also caused by them? I really wish to cry out loud to you, but Im too weak to cry over these problems again. I had been doing so for more than half of my life, how long more do I have to tolerate? Its so long-suffering.

I pray that I will be spared of the torment and pls, move their hearts so that the family do not suffer any longer.

He is the giant in my life.

Am I an easy target?

I wonder if my forehead is written "Come for me, Im a good target". Somehow Im so sick of shunning & excusing myself, that I wonder if i would start to tick them off for approaching me the next time.

My hit target is 9/10. Guess what? Its the number of times I would be approached by insurance agents whenever I walk past a booth. The one missed was when I really purposely shun them from afar. Everywhere is the same: Jurong East, Orchard Road, Woodlands, Yishun etc. Even if I was with a group of friends, I will be the only one to "kena". I wonder if its a blessing or a curse. Imagine walking along Jurong East Interchange & when I saw a group of young adults holding files in their hands, I knew they were out to do survey. Somehow I will develop a feeling that they will approach me, but no matter how "rushed" I appear to be, they will still stop me. Last week I was stopped twice; once in Jurong & the other time in Orchard. The lady @ Jurong sure shocked me. I was walking towards the MRT when she suddenly appeared beside me and commented:"Eh its so strange that you are so free? No need to go NS today meh?" I was so dumbfounded that I paused for 5 sec before asking her "Do I know you?" It's so ridiculous that she assumed that I was an NSF and tried to draw my attention with such a tactless & lame tagline. So what if Im an NSF? Does that make me an even easier target?

"Will you pls stop pestering me? I dun need an insurance policy right now! I even have problem settling my 3 meals!" I really wish I could put this message on my forehead instead, save myself from rejecting them upteem times. Its not that I bear a grudge against insurance people; they are great & polite people. That determination & persistence they possess sure impress me, & I would really like to learn their sheer mental strength that keep them in this line, being surveyed to be the number 2 hated profession by the public.

My question about selling insurance is that: they claim to be helping people by getting them to insure their lives & properties, but is it that necessary to approach people so forthrightly? Doesn't helping goes two ways, that if I really need an insurance, of course I will approach the agent and not the other way round. People on the streets who didnt approach an agent only has 2 reasons: They already have a policy or they are not interested in getting one! One thing for sure is also that since an insurance policy is so important, I would obviously get it from someone close or someone I trust. My personal point of view is that persistent asking & "surveying" will only put people off, Im definitely one of them. But the struggle I face now is that Im taught repeatedly to "Love one another", "Forgive & forget", "Do not judge others"........ So how should I feel? To hate them or welcome them to approach me, or reject them with a smile? "Heee, I dun like the way you approach me but I still love you. Heeee."

No offense to people I know of in the insurance line. Insurance is great, but not for me right now. Thanks but no thanks.

"Inspire me to be the testimonial to others, that I may be that beacon in the darkness"

HK Group

"They are so different" Tats e sentence tat struck my mind time & again while taking the HK kids as a facilitator. Kids around the world I believe, have one thing in common. They would prefer a ~~"Leng Loy" than an "Au Pa"~~ They put on such a strong sentiment of unwelcoming when they 1st saw me. Well, I realised that so I decided to do something ya. Before I took them for the 2nd day, I underwent a Cantonese crash course session with Mr Law (my father). And hey, the 1st sentence I said to them the next day was "Dai Ka Teng Orh Gong Wah". Heh heh, speaking their language sure helped mi 2 draw closer to them yea. From Day 2 onwards, I was no longer the unwelcomed guest in their group.

They were indeed a challenge & a headache. I realie give all my respect due to e 3 HK counsellors. Admired their perserverance, patience and constant love & care showed. All these despite it being their part time job with a meagre pay, & having to handle a group of mischievious & take-it-for-granted kids. Learned tat they had along e long gruelling 2 weeks, had thoughts of giving up on them. But am So glad tat they didnt, otherwise they wouldnt have taken back so much fond memories & oso learned more about themselves.....

I had less issues with e kids, becoz i noe tat if I were to view them as a collective group, then they r a pain in e S. Thus i see them as different individuals requiring different communicating style & approach. I think I succeeded to a certain extend. One of e counsellors had even wanted to complain about me becoz I had played too aggressively with some of e kids & she thought I will injure them. In e end, I convinced her tat I do have my way of handling e kids ya. Watz my 9 mths experience @ Y Hub for man? Ha. Still, I learned new things from e interaction with these HK kids.

I will miss Meiling, Sandy, Felix, Jason, Christy & e most, Fefe.

Came across this interesting verse
"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."
~Edmund Everett Hale, writer