Vexed, troubled, tired mentally

I was ultimately troubled these weeks over grandpa's health & his 'decisions'. To date, i have had 7 shifts so far, & 1 shift is enuff 2 kill mi frankly. His demands are so meticulous & he expects someone 2 be around him 24hrs a day, which is something tat is beyond my abilities. Im realie very tired now.

Initially he was 2 have reached China, Hainan Island by 2dae, but luckily, he decided 2 call it off on Tues becoz he knew his conditions will fail him in e long distance travel. Upon receiving e news from mum, i was elated & relieved, coz it will be such a torture for her 2 take care of him in China, 24hrs a day alone. Its gd tat both of them need not suffer from home. However, her solemn voice carried a frail sob, i could tell something was amiss. She said grandpa wanted 2 see mi immediately.

I rushed down 2 his place, & msged all in e family wat mum told mi. Grandpa said he may pass on soon. I was afraid, afraid 2 face e reality tat will eventually haunt mi sooner or later. I reached & greeted him @ once, he looked frail but happy 2 see mi, then sis & yeting came. He was in his new clothes, & had asked mum 2 throw away e old set.The nite b4, he had thought of suicide. On e surface, everything seemed like hes prepared for 'tat' 2 happen. We were realie worried.

He was talking abt giving how much 2 who & who, & had asked 2 withdraw all his $ from e bank. One by one, uncles, aunties & cousins all came back after reading my msg. Apparently, his emotions improved after seeing all e faces he had yearned 2 see, i was glad 2. But 2 think tat i was remarked 2 "have made a false alarm" realie pained mi. Why are they looking only on e surface? He was realie on his verge had it not been for our presence.

Im realie very tired. 2moro is my shift again, dun noe for how long more i can hold on.

My Competitions

5 competitons in these 2 mths thus far, with e last 4 in 1 mth, every week. I think fatigue has finalie set in, as 2dae's competition showed.

30th Jan -- Surf & sweat: Performance -- 3 pts
20th Feb -- National Vertical Marathon -- 4 pts
26th Feb -- Amazing Race -- 7 pts
6th March -- X Physique -- 2 pts
13th March -- Legs & Paddles -- 4 pts

Im rather disappointed with my performances, becoz i knew i could have done beta, but due 2 some glitches, i failed. Nonetheless, i gained massive experiences from all these failures.

1 thing oso which im super annoyed abt,is tat for all these 5 races, something will sure happen in e morning-- diarrhoea. Chang & Clare said tats my excuse. but come 2 think of it, in medical terms, diarrhoea will coz u 2 lose more body fluids & cause ur body's physical state 2 be weakened. If it happened only once, i say im suay tat dae. But 2dae made it e 5th time liao. Its competition jinx lah.

For now, no competition is coming. But 1st April is my important dae. Hope no diarrhoea tat dae, pls.

Weird Dreams

I had 2 weird dreams for 2 nites running, dun noe wats wrong with my brain.

2nites ago, though it was a short sleep, from 1am to 6am, i felt like in my dream for days.Told Chang abt it, & he warned mi abt e message in e dream instead, haha. Well, in e dream, someone who is close 2 mi, whom ive 4gotten who, passed away & eventually came back 2 life.He told mi of e scenes in hell & convinced mi tat it realie exist. People who did evil deeds will get their just desserts in their after life.Images not so fresh liao.

But,last nite, all e images & scenarios are still very new, as if i cant erase them off. Guess wat i dreamt about? Well, swimming, unexpectedly.

I was in a gals' sch, which is weird coz since its a gals' sch, then how come im in there? With a few guys some more.We were all having lessons when a female teacher came & told us tat there will be a swimming test 2 be conducted & those who failed will have 2 have remedial swimming lessons. Huh? Weirdo shit.I feared i will fail e test coz i super suck in tat, plus i dun even have a swimming trunks with mi. Then i discussed with e boys & all agreed 2 wear our shorts instead coz u cant possibly bring trunks 2 sch everydae rite? Tats y, e teacher is weird & mad.

Then we came 2 e pool & e boys are supposed 2 swim 1st, OMG, i told myself, im dead for sure. When it came 2 my turn, miraculously, i can swim, & even beautifully, haha. In e end, e boys did so well tat e teacher asked us 2 be e safety, 2 ensure e gals'safety.

I can swim freestyle, breast stroke & even butterfly in e dream, but as ive said, its in my dream.

Moral Dilemma

Im in a dilemma, confused & contradicted. I dun noe if i shdnt do, or i cannot dun do.

Last nite was my shift 2 look after grandpa @ his house, 4th Uncle pleaded for assistance in sharing e burden, coz he told mi tat he practically cant sleep everi nite, for a couple of weeks liao. He told mi wat 2 expect, & i went there well equipped; enuff 2 tide mi thru e long nite.I was prepared not 2 sleep.

Arrived @ 2120 hrs, grandpa was ready for bed, when he said he wanted 2 pass motion, mi & 4th Uncle helped.He had constipation, so special aid was required, save e details, mission accomplished 1 hr later. I stayed ard in e living room watchfully, staying vigilant juz in case he "rings" for mi anytime.

2330 hrs, 1st call, he needs 2 urine. E procedure for him 2 urine will be 2 1st wind up his Osim chair, which he uses as his bed,help him stand up, then unlock e stopper 2 his urinating aid. 1st call, my reaction 9 pts. After helping him back 2 his sleep, i went back 2 my drama which i brought from home. 0015 hrs, 2nd call. 0050 hrs, 3rd call. In short, i attended 2 him every 45 mins or so, till 6am.

Now ive truly experienced wat 4th Uncle went thru every nite, for weeks, i realie sympathize with him, & above all, respect & appreciate him. How can anyone have disrupted sleeps thru out e nite, yet rush for work in e dae? Though im currently a loafer, i cant even tahan last nite, went sleepy @ 5am, & now still feeling dizzy & lerthagic. I mean even though he is my grandpa, or my Uncles' father, we cant possibly tend 2 him 24hrs in every aspects, be there every moment, not being able 2 do wat we ought 2 do for ourselves.

This is my dilemma; in this case, we cant escape from e fact tat he needs us, a great deal, but im only 23, a young & active man who luvs 2 play, plans for himself & definitely oso 2 enjoy life. But shd i forfeit, or sacrifice my precious freedom & youth & spend more on my grandpa, though my mum, grand, 2nd & 4th uncles are shouldering tis responsibility liao. Should i, or more appropriately; can i not?

As much as any ppl my age who luv & i think most prob will say"i want freedom", my principles & mum continuously remind my tat hes my grandpa.Mum is truly a remarkable woman/mother/daughter-in-law/human. She will be e 2nd last person i wanna lose in my life.

E real problem is not now, but in April when grandpa is going back 2 Hainan Island, his homeland. Given his conditions now, he will have a hard time taking e plane, e bus or any transport. We cant possibly allow him 2 urine as & when he requires on transports or in public.I realie dun noe wat could help them. Mum asked mi 2 tag along, but i gave her a no answer.

E reason i gave was tat i need 2 go for tests & interviews for NIE in April. But deep down i knew e real answer: i dun wanna be tere 2 serve as a tool, servicing 24 hrs a day, for 2 weeks. I cant possibly live my life for another person, not even for young sis.

Scold mi if u think im wrong. But i stil luv my grandpa.

NIE, nope, not rejected

Body still aches, ouch.

Well, after hearing things like "maybe NIE rejected u liao", "perhaps they didnt receive ur application", ive decided 2 reapply for a place after waiting 2 mths for thieir reply, far too long a wait. Went 2 e website, only 2 realise tat i actualie have an acc with them, so i signed in. To my astonishment, i saw my application status tat dated 7th Jan 05 to be: DRAFT. OMG, i didnt send in e application form after all! Wat e.

E feeling is like after waiting eagarly for e 4D results 2 be released, then only did u find out tat u didnt even buy any numbers; or expecting 2 stand a chance 2 win in a lucky draw when u didnt even have a coupon for them 2 pick from. Moron.

So i re-applied, & ensured tat e status was : SENT tis time. Wasted my 2 mths wait. But @ least i noe tat i wasnt rejected by NIE like a friend had told mi.

Got a piece of gd news though. YMCA is hiring mi as a volunteer-cum-part timer @ its Y Hub centre, opp Parc Oasis. Clare & Ben shd noe where it is rite, e place where u 2 lost ur way, opps. Hopefully will start work next week. Getting paid for a job u r interested in, isnt tat wat everyone yearn for? I got mine now.

Yeah, X Phyisique

10th. Yeah, we got 10th, gotten e prize. Wosh, luckily i didnt let e team down too much, though i did in swimming & kayaking.

The swim almost killed mi, Chang said tat i realie super duper suck in swimming, so much so tat he overtook mi in e river, then swam back juz 2 pull mi along. Wah lao, im damn pissed with myself, damn sian. Clare & Vanessa already finished dripping their water from their bodies on shore. 10 mins behind e rest.

Then had 2 run 1.5km after using up 80% of my energy in swimming, b4 reaching our cycling station. Luckily Chang pushed mi hard enuff thru out e race, otherwise i would have dragged e team even further, & allowed Kana-boo-balan 2 overtake us more. Haha, they lost. Mission accomplished.

Kayaking was a drag, i juz couldnt wait for e agony & torture 2 end, & allow my body 2 recover.Thanx Chang for waking up my idea.

Summary of e race: Damn shiong & shag. i didnt enjoy myself.

Now e body & left knee ache like shit, dun noe if i can still take part in Legs & Paddles next Sun. Haiz.

Relak Jack Johnson rocks.

Confident? Nope, not confident

Yes, im not confident of X Physique 2 daes later. Im a lousy swimmer, wats more a 200m swim in e river, i realie dun noe if i can make it. Since young, i already has phobia over water coz of some unhappy incident, which has been haunting mi for years. I cant shake tat dream off.

Its realie a mental plus physical challenge for mi, & especially so since i felt i did badly for last yr's marathon, tis yr's surf & sweat & last mth's vertical marathon. I thought i could have done so much more better. Failure is worst tasted if its down to not doing my best.

But its a team's event, & i cant possibly let my team down, esp when Clare is NTU's top 5 rock climber, & Chang being NTU's one of e best canoeist. & Vanessa having trailed mi by 14 sec in vertical marathon & is e fittest gal in NTU tat i noe of. Die die oso muz chiong wif them rite? Haha.

Well, we are aiming for top 3, coz Chang said "we are damn bloody strong". But he 4got, im a burden when it comes 2 water events.